It’s raining again. A lazy drizzle falling slightly east. Strange wet designs have formed on the west facing concrete barriers. Dots elongated into vertical lines. We don’t need any more rain, but it suits my mood, idle and dispirited. I enjoyed watching the rain draw designs on the walls. It was a strange peaceful contrast. The boring stone barriers taking on a new look before my eyes. The world grew quiet, or I lost myself in the moment.
A day off from work is welcome, but tedious. There’s little to occupy my time. I spend the few hours of free time I have after work, before sleep, by reading, listening to music, email or writing. I’ve done all of those things by noon and had my hair cut, leaving ten more hours to fill. I could read more, but I need time to digest what I’ve already read today.
Idle hands and mind, forging opportunity to stray towards an avoided topic.
When I see you lay down
Under pink lacquered skies
Baby I’ll give you something
That will shut your eyes
To the isthmus
-Brody Dalle
Distractions, distance and time have failed thus far in quelling this dark sense of loss and nausea when mental discipline fails and thoughts drift to memories and speculation about her. Those hazy partial dreams before true sleep have been a real burden. I’ve come to dread that moment when deliberate thought wanes and subconscious wanderings takes hold. Just enough of the conscious mind is awake to be disturbed by a twisted synapse bringing her face to mind. At once I’m fully awake and struggling to trick the mind in another direction.
The scorecard of waking thought is hardly better, as evident by this writing. My instinct is inconsistent and frustrated. I want to find her, scold, caress, insult, praise. I want to fill her mind with doubt, confidence, insecurity and peace.
I spend too much time contemplating thoughts of her, schemes to avoid her, genius plots to casually cross paths, but such effort is without merit. Far as I can tell, I am nothing to her. I’ve seen no evidence of hate, love, dread or longing. I’ve been tossed into the remnants of the past, forgotten like an unremarkable stranger. Her name, a four letter word, in fact and application, cursing me.
I have the will to move on. Struggled to do so. There’s no benefit in cherishing even a scrap. My mind betrays me. Conspires with my body to self destruct. I had thought the digestive cramps and nausea were due to the food here, but I’ve tried a simple, easy diet with no results. I didn’t want to acknowledge the connection, but thinking of her produces chaos in my organic machine.
I cling still to hope that distance and time will see me though to some end, hopefully better. Rest and peace. I’ve begun considering serious change. The roots of home have grown weak. It may be time to strike out for a new landscape. Different faces and opportunities. A reason to forget.
Enough of that for now. This mood is much too foul these kind of reflections.
The movie 1408 is playing in the Rec Center again. It must be the tenth time this month. I either have impeccable timing, or someone is infatuated with that film. However, I do appreciate the HST reference. I cannot properly explain myself in this climate either.
I’ve encountered many obscure connections in this place and pursued few. Last week I saw one person that was much too human, unaffected by these harsh conditions and sterile personalities. She was perhaps the only whole person within five hundred miles. She was sitting next to the volleyball court with her shoes off, reading a book. I never spoke to her. Didn’t dare approach. The lesson of Icarus. I sat on a bench across the court, pretending to read my own book, as she curled her toes in the sand. It was a very real moment and I felt her pleasure as the warm sand flowed around her toes. I watched for half an hour and decided I’ve been a parasite long enough. I didn’t after all want to be perceived as some sort of creep. I’ve looked for her since, but she eludes detection. I have no plan to say anything to her, but I’d like to know that there’s at least one beautiful thing here.