A new sense of euphoria has come over me. I was actually exhausted all day. I’m experiencing a peak in another insomnia cycle. It shouldn’t seem possible to be tired all day and then once home and able to sleep, be unable to sleep. Regardless, today was good. It’s important to have landmarks to separate the days in this place. This is a desert in not only terrain, but also psychologically. Landmarks are all you have to judge the distance you’ve traveled, or mark the passage of time. Days fuse together. You leave work, go home and return to feel as if you’ve stepped out just long enough to use the bathroom. The current week indistinguishable from the last or those from the previous month. A letter or email from home act as mile markers, but even then, the mile markers start to all look the same.
Today the landscape on the horizon changed. I received my return itinerary. Home rests at the edge of my sight. All that is left is to keep my eyes on the horizon and walk across the remaining stretch of desert. Home and the inhabitants will have changed. I’ve probably changed as well, but I’ve lived though my changes and I’ve had the luxury of time to acclimatize. Once home the changes will come at once and I’ll need to adapt in an instant, or fake it well enough to pass.
It’s an odd thing knowing the exact time you will be returned to the real world. It’s like having the opportunity to travel though time. In my case I’ll have skipped forward in time. What will life be like two months into the future? What if you lived your life one month at a time and then skipped a few months ahead?
What I’ll do back in the real world is still unknown. It’s a difficult decision. My uncertain heart fights against my uncertain mind.