I was digging through a small bag I used when I was deployed overseas and I found something interesting.  I was expecting to find only various military items that I used in the desert like goggles, mechanic gloves and a desert scarf.  Instead I was pleasantly surprised to find a Cuban cigar.  A Romeo Y Julieta No. 2, to be exact.  Of course I find this gem as I’m struggling to quit smoking.  I’ll definitely enjoy it though.  I thought I had consumed that of stash Cuban cigars during the summer of 2005.  One last dance I suppose.

The quitting is tough going.  It’s difficult to disassociate many things.  Drinking is by far the most difficult.  I went out earlier this week and I smoked at least five cigarettes.  While that doesn’t seem like too many, I’ve been down to about five per day.  It was a setback, but I’ll continue on.

I started smoking some time in high school. I didn’t smoke to be cool or because others were doing it. I was an insomniac even back in high school. In the middle of the night I would walk for hours. There were no particular places I’d walk to. I wasn’t trying to get to a location, only covering distance. I felt the need to walk and think. Eventually I added cigarettes to the ritual.

I lived in a small town. After midnight you’d see only a few cars and they’d stay on the main roads as they passed through. I felt like I was the only thing alive and the only other movement was the smoke from my cigarette. There was a peacefulness to those hours. The world shut down to give me time to collect my thoughts. Sitting on the curb in the middle of the night while smoking a cigarette is the closest I’ve ever been to peace of mind.

All things must end. Sometimes we’re given the opportunity to choose the end. I’m giving up cigarettes. I’ve tried quitting many times, but never made it more than two months. They say the first two weeks are the hardest. I’ve found it only gets more difficult with each day. I’ve made it to a month several times, but it’s never easy. There are so many pitfalls. So many actions and activities associated with a cigarette. Driving to work, finishing a meal, having a drink—can these things be done without a cigarette?

This time I’m going to do it. My reasons for quitting before were never stronger than my cravings. I know some would say I’m quitting for the wrong reason, but honestly it’s why I want to quit. A person I find to be incredibly important in my life doesn’t like me smoking. I think it’s helped create a distance between us. A cigarette isn’t worth that to me.

Welcome to life after cigarettes.